February282012

some more things that overflow my mind beyond capacity…

I came to terms with the fact that I’m actually not really that close to anybody in my family other than my parents and grandparents on both sides. Nobody else. I started to realize this when I noticed the closeness that’s formed between Eric’s parents and I. I feel like I was accepted into a family. They treat me like family, and whenever I’m around, there’s no special treatment or anything, it’s just another day. I’m not a guest anymore, and everyone is always completely themselves and totally real with me. Jokes get cracked on me all the time about my height by Eric, and now his parents both know me enough to the point where even Eric’s dad makes fun of me sometimes, too. Eric doesn’t need to be home in order for me to be around, because I still have Meredith and his mother to hang out with, because I’m so comfortable around them, I can be myself and not have to worry about anything. Sure, I’m myself around my family, too. But they don’t really bother too much with me, aside from my parents and grandparents, nobody ever bothers with me. Eric’s parents are a part of my life more then the rest of my family. I’m not close to anybody. I’ve been really upset for a few days, because all I’ve been thinking about is how my dad’s side of the family isn’t too happy with me, because apparently I forget about them… Whatever. You know what? Yes, my stepmother is a very awesome person, very thoughtful and sweet and I love her and my daddy to death. That will NEVER change. But DON’T EVER FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL FORGOTTEN ABOUT! My whole fucking life, all I ever wanted was a fucking decent relationship with my father. A normal father daughter relationship! I NEVER FUCKING HAD THAT! I don’t know what it’s like first hand to hug my father, even hear him tell me he loves me. NEVER. IF IT WEREN’T FOR MY GRANDMOTHER OR MY STEPMOTHER, I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN HIM. Why? He never made a fucking effort in his goddamn life to see me… Not a single fucking effort. And my family has the fucking AUDASITY to give me a fucking problem about not calling my father on his birthday?! I’m sorry, but that just completely draws the fucking line in the sand with me. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO GET PISSED AT ME FOR NOT CALLING MY DAD ON HIS BIRTHDAY WHEN HE NEVER FUCKING MADE A SINGLE EFFORT TO CALL ME…EVER… AT ALL… UNLESS I NEEDED TO ASK HIM SOMETHING, OR TO FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS WAITING TO PICK ME UP AT THE DAMN AIRPORT. You know what else really sucks? The fact that he’s had 19 fucking chances to call me for my birthday. Never made a fucking effort. Nope. And they expect me to do everything? Don’t send me a box full of Wal-mart socks and candy and use that “thoughtful gesture” against me for the fuck sake of an argument. You wanna reason to be fucking pissed at me? You want a reason? I can give you a lot of reasons to get mad at me, but you know what? It doesn’t add up to half the bullshit I had to go through since I was a child. I was about 11 yrs old, and I was changing my brother’s and sisters diapers, I was making them food, I was putting them to bed, giving them baths and showers, doing everything that needed to be done for them, and doing things around the house so my dad and his wife could go drinking in the bar all nite. I thought that was normal. THAT’S NOT FUCKING NORMAL. YOU DON’T LEAVE AN 11 yr old WITH TWO SMALL CHILDREN ALONE IN AN APARTMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING WTBY FOR A MAJORITY OF THE NITE TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANNA DO, YOU SELFISH FUCKS. Yes, I learned a lot from all that shit, because I pretty much know how to be a mother at this point, but you have to be really fucked up in the head to feel completely fine leaving children to be alone all nite long, regardless of my responsibility. Honestly… I did that shit constantly for like 5 - 10 years straight until they moved their asses to Florida. Hence, the only real damn reason I didn’t take on the maternal role of raising my siblings -_- But don’t worry, as soon as I got to Florida, I immediately went back to being “mom”. It was like my parents were ghosts. Always working, never around, working all nite, sleeping all day, leaving me to do everything. I had to cook everybody dinner every nite, I did everyone’s laundry, I fed the children as soon as I woke up.. I did EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE HAD TO DO IN A HOUSE WHERE THERE WAS A PARENT PRESENT. They’re so fucking immature, too, they spent like an hour and a half one night just fucking yelling at each other and smashing shit at the wall… You want me to act like an adult, but you can throw a fucking tantrum dad? Really? GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY, you already fucked up at being a dad with your first daughter, don’t fuck up the other two as well. Who knows, you probably already did. It seems like you love them more then you ever loved me anyways. Never fucking said it to my face, so I guess that makes me right. Do you know what it’s like to just sit there, and as your eyes reveal such painful tears that streak your face, you say, “How do I say “Happy Birthday” to someone who’s never even fucking told me they loved me?” Good ass question dad… It’s been almost 20 years, when are you gonna stop actin like a fuckin rookie and be a man already? It seems like you’re a great father to Sam and Michael, but what did I ever get from you, besides practically all of your physical features? Not much… The only thing I ever got from you was child support, and you never sent me that shit anyways. 66 bucks a week… I wipe my ass with that shit. I dealt with a lot of shit because of you, and your sorry ass decisions. My mother never took you to court, because we didn’t want to have any problems with anyone’s family. I agreed with her, because I love everyone. I don’t know why I love someone so much when they never made a single effort in my life to show they cared in any way possible. Nothing. I know he loves me, he’s my fucking dad. I just wish I could look at him like a father and not a sperm donor. I wish I had respect for him. I do, for what he does for everyone else. But I don’t respect him for the things he never did for me. I tell my boyfriend all the time how the relationship with his daughter is probably the most meaningful thing I’ve ever experienced… because it’s something I’ve never known, because it’s something I’ve never had. I never got to feel what it’s like to spend time with my daddy. I think so highly of my boyfriend more than I could possible explain, because he loves his baby girl so damn much, and a closeness like that is so rare. Nobody should ever have to feel this way, and I’m so happy that Meredith doesn’t have to.

Page 1 of 1