February282012

it’s been a rather long time, tumblr… let’s catch up with where I left off with my life.

Aside from my relationship, which has had no problems, there are so many stressful things going on in my mind… It’s hard to keep up with… Once I’m done with class for the day, the first thing I want is to be out of school. My school friends don’t understand that. They look at it as I’m blowing everybody off for my boyfriend. Not necessarily. I became distant to friends, because I just can’t handle having the responsibility of being close friends to people at this time simply for the fact that I just don’t want to end up hurting anybody… It’s hard… I do feel like the bad guy, and I know I’ve been a stranger to people. But a lot has been on my mind, and I’ve been needing to be away from everything. Ever since I could remember, there isn’t one person in my life that I could truly trust. Every person I ever gave my trust to completely desecrated any means of a promise or being trustworthy to me as a person. Of course, it left its what-seems-to-be-permanent mark on my present. Problems with getting hurt and trust have changed the way I feel about people, even the ones that I’m closest to. Why? Every person I have ever become close to has found some way to hurt me, give me a reason to lose trust. I can’t give out complete trust to anyone anymore, not even my fucking boyfriend who has done absolutely nothing wrong to me. We’re together all the time, and he’s so genuine to me, tells me all the time how happy I make him and that he loves me… That all means so much to me. And at the same time, I always think to myself he’s just going to end up finding someone better, or prettier than me and just move on… That’s how it’s always been for me… The last relationship that I had before Eric was everything I ever wanted… Monique and I weren’t even together for a year, and she was my absolute everything. I don’t believe I was ever in love with her, but it was the closest thing to being in love that I ever felt about anyone in my entire life. I knew I wasn’t in love with her, because in the back of my mind I knew that this love I had for her was a forbidden feeling, and that I wasn’t suppose to feel that way. So, my mind didn’t allow my heart to fully open the way it would have if circumstances were different. It was the most emotionally different and difficult experience of my life, but this girl was worth every heart ache that I felt, because I believed, and she even told me, that I was worth all the trouble that we were going through. She told me she wouldn’t leave me again… I believed her. I trusted her. I risked it all for her so many times. Just to find out she just gave up anyways. That’s not the first time I’ve been let down by somebody I loved. But that is the most recent heart felt pain I’ve experienced… and it is probably the worst I’ve dealt with… I’m not healed, but I know it’s a slow process. I shouldn’t feel this way over somebody I was with for only 7-8 months, but length of time in a relationship is irrelevant to feelings in certain cases, and this was one of them. What I’m trying to say is, all of this shit that I’ve dealt with has done such a toll on me, that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of everyone. I think I’ve finally discovered the one true thing in life that honestly scares the shit out of me every day because it’s always on my mind. Trust. Trusting someone. Trusting anyone. Something I really can’t do well. I’m too skeptical… I’m very pessimistic, and I always seem to expect the worst no matter how perfect the situation. It’s all I’ve ever known, and all I’ve ever wanted to do is change that… I won’t say “but I can’t” because I think that’s complete bullshit… I know over time, I will probably be able to get over it and just be able to move on… but so much time has gone by, and so many things in my life have changed that I should be better then I am. I have an amazing loving boyfriend who does nothing but treat me good, loves me, cares about me, hold me when I’m upset and calms me down. He may have a temper, and he may be impatient, but when I get upset, lose my patience, get aggravated at something and throw it (LOL) he calms me down so perfectly, so easily… Like he’s my rock. I’m also his rock. We are supportive of each other. I do the best I can to make sure he is happy, that we have a great time, and we’ve never had any problems. He’s never ever let me down since I’ve known him, and he’s never given me a reason not to trust him… But, the way I see it, it always starts out that way. The person you swear will never hurt you, the person you least expect… Is always the one who tends to hurt you the most, whether they know it or not. I don’t want to believe that, honestly, it hurts so much practically to the point of tears, that I don’t ever want to believe that to happen. I should feel secure about my relationship, because no problems consciously exist… but it’s always me. I’m my own worst enemy. I create things out of nothing purely by thinking about them too much. Or over-thinking. I keep having this fear that my boyfriend will eventually find himself wanting to be with someone who is more attractive than me, simply because he can. That insults me, because that makes it seem like that’s how I look at him. Absolutely not. I feel like I’m with someone who is so amazing that I worry so much that something is going to happen, or that someone is going to try to fuck me over, fuck my relationship over. I don’t think that he would do that to me. He’s shown me that he loves and cares about me far too much to believe that he would do something like that. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have a perfect body, and I think I’m semi-attractive half the time. I have a lot of insecurities, but at the same time, I’m shameless about myself. I have no problem with changing clothes in front of people, or people seeing parts of my body, because it’s who I am and I need to accept it, that’s all. But I’m extremely insecure when I’m surrounded by girls that I know are way prettier than me. Next to them, I’m nothing. That’s something I need to get over. I get compliments on things, and I really should start to believe them. I’m not cocky, but I do need to have a more positive attitude about myself in a relationship. I love my boyfriend so much, I love my friends so much as well… All I want to do is give at least one person in my life complete trust… It’s probably going to take a long while. It will be very hard, but in the future, I know I can do this. Just writing this post alone made me feel better… made my shoulders a little lighter. <3 Maybe this was more closure to another part of my past. Or maybe I’m just moving a little closer toward the closure between my present and my past, because I need to look forward to my future <3

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